an anchor for my soul

it's been just over a week since my little world was turned upside down and it feels like it was yesterday, like it didn't happen and as if it happened a year ago. such a strange place i am living... this land of semi answered questions, alcohol swabs, tubes, bags, pain and left side sleeping. i don't have cancer. i'm not dying. i'm not losing a limb or an organ. i'm not the victim of a terrible car accident or house fire. my husband is falling asleep next to me breathing in and out and on the verge of wonderful dreams. my little boy is cooing in his crib down the hallway furiously snuggling his orange dinosaur and fighting to stay awake. my babe inside is showing signs of life with precious kicks and wiggles. tomorrow i "have to" go to the bank and make a deposit. i also "have to" start some Christmas shopping after said deposit. in the afternoon i will finish a couple crafty projects, hang my wreath on the door and enjoy a cup

the last week and a half have been a blur. a mess. a beauty and a pain. nothing went as planned and i struggled to find solid ground in it all. attacks against my heart and it's love made me weep too many times. re-applying mascara is only so affective. and now i'm home. and there i sat. on my huge comfy couch scrolling mindlessly through facebook; when the cute little girl and her meme came across my screen in a flash my heart paused along with my thumb. her tutu-skirt was bright orange, matching the flowers on her shirt and in her hair. her little faced screamed with delight and her smile felt as though it might jump out and plant a happy kiss right on my no-makeup cheek. the words covering the top and bottom of the photo said something like this: "oooooooohhh!!!!! i just can't help it! God is SOOOOOOOOOOO good". as my thumb paused, screen paused, mind paused, my heart had no choice but to pause right along. i caught myself in the middle. i know my G

motivation. its been a subject that has been swirling around our house for the last couple weeks like a leaf tossed in wind waiting for the perfect place to land. it has come up over dinner, after watching an inspiring photography live feed and then again last night in the last moments before sweet sleep there it was again. motivation. i have been wrestling with a few things for a while now, i can't say exactly how long, but i'm sure it's not as long as it feels. the wrestling has been something i would rather not face and therefore i find ways to ignore it or push it to the far reaches of my mind. it's not evil thought patterns or complicated logic, it's not what to buy my dear husband for Christmas although i do wrestle with that quite a bit, it's not how i am going to be an amazing mother to my boys. it's a couple gifts that i've been trying not to unwrap or even notice have arrived for me. how silly is that? who doesn't want to unwrap a gift