the last week and a half have been a blur. a mess. a beauty and a pain.
nothing went as planned and i struggled to find solid ground in it all.
attacks against my heart and it's love made me weep too many times. re-applying mascara is only so affective.
and now i'm home. and there i sat. on my huge comfy couch scrolling mindlessly through facebook; when the cute little girl and her meme came across my screen in a flash my heart paused along with my thumb. her tutu-skirt was bright orange, matching the flowers on her shirt and in her hair. her little faced screamed with delight and her smile felt as though it might jump out and plant a happy kiss right on my no-makeup cheek. the words covering the top and bottom of the photo said something like this: "oooooooohhh!!!!! i just can't help it! God is SOOOOOOOOOOO good".
as my thumb paused, screen paused, mind paused, my heart had no choice but to pause right along.
i caught myself in the middle.
i know my God is good. i know his plans for me are good. i know in Him my feet are planted on solid ground and my heart and love are protected by His grace.
and yet, i found myself asking, "but why _____?"
i was stuck in the middle of a question i never have questioned!
is God's goodness for me, right now?
my head started screaming at my heart "YES! OF COURSE YOU DUMMY, YOU HAVE KNOWN THE ANSWER TO THIS SINCE YOU WERE 5!"
and my heart whispered back, "but it hurts so bad..."
"I SAID YEEESSSSSSS!!!!!"
"but i feel so alone..."
"WELL YOU'RE NOT SO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON! KEEP SCROLLING!"
"but...."
and then the tears came and i shut off my phone and put my head on the arm of that huge comfy couch with a deep sigh.
the battle between my heart and head didn't stop, but all my heart could muster was a small and sad "but?" and a few tears in defense. It knew my head was right, but the pain, the process, the loneliness seemed too much.
my heart was in check. check-mate to be exact. it had no choice at that moment to fall over and surrender to the truth that was so deeply rooted inside.
He is good to me.
right now. always. forever. last friday, wednesday and sunday. He is good to me when i was laying on that skinny table cold, alone, in so much pain wondering so many things. He is good to me as i leaned over the "bowl" to heave my breakfast away. when driving and flying 2400 miles from the place i call home. He is good to me. He is good to me today; this morning when putting laundry in the basket 10ft away seemed more like climbing mt bachelor. He is good to me when all i can do with my precious boy is sit and watch him play because moving hurts too much. when taking a shower feels the opposite of one of my favorite things.
as i let my heart surrender and loose the battle with my less than gracious mind, i realized once again that His goodness has so little to do with me. in fact it is only based on the fact that who He is cannot cease to be who He is and who He is, is the fullness of goodness itself.
and so i live.
nothing went as planned and i struggled to find solid ground in it all.
attacks against my heart and it's love made me weep too many times. re-applying mascara is only so affective.
and now i'm home. and there i sat. on my huge comfy couch scrolling mindlessly through facebook; when the cute little girl and her meme came across my screen in a flash my heart paused along with my thumb. her tutu-skirt was bright orange, matching the flowers on her shirt and in her hair. her little faced screamed with delight and her smile felt as though it might jump out and plant a happy kiss right on my no-makeup cheek. the words covering the top and bottom of the photo said something like this: "oooooooohhh!!!!! i just can't help it! God is SOOOOOOOOOOO good".
as my thumb paused, screen paused, mind paused, my heart had no choice but to pause right along.
i caught myself in the middle.
i know my God is good. i know his plans for me are good. i know in Him my feet are planted on solid ground and my heart and love are protected by His grace.
and yet, i found myself asking, "but why _____?"
i was stuck in the middle of a question i never have questioned!
is God's goodness for me, right now?
my head started screaming at my heart "YES! OF COURSE YOU DUMMY, YOU HAVE KNOWN THE ANSWER TO THIS SINCE YOU WERE 5!"
and my heart whispered back, "but it hurts so bad..."
"I SAID YEEESSSSSSS!!!!!"
"but i feel so alone..."
"WELL YOU'RE NOT SO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON! KEEP SCROLLING!"
"but...."
and then the tears came and i shut off my phone and put my head on the arm of that huge comfy couch with a deep sigh.
the battle between my heart and head didn't stop, but all my heart could muster was a small and sad "but?" and a few tears in defense. It knew my head was right, but the pain, the process, the loneliness seemed too much.
my heart was in check. check-mate to be exact. it had no choice at that moment to fall over and surrender to the truth that was so deeply rooted inside.
He is good to me.
right now. always. forever. last friday, wednesday and sunday. He is good to me when i was laying on that skinny table cold, alone, in so much pain wondering so many things. He is good to me as i leaned over the "bowl" to heave my breakfast away. when driving and flying 2400 miles from the place i call home. He is good to me. He is good to me today; this morning when putting laundry in the basket 10ft away seemed more like climbing mt bachelor. He is good to me when all i can do with my precious boy is sit and watch him play because moving hurts too much. when taking a shower feels the opposite of one of my favorite things.
as i let my heart surrender and loose the battle with my less than gracious mind, i realized once again that His goodness has so little to do with me. in fact it is only based on the fact that who He is cannot cease to be who He is and who He is, is the fullness of goodness itself.
and so i live.
Praying for you today friend. God is good. Yesterday, today and forever. And he has you and baby Lincoln in his hands. I love you.
ReplyDelete