it's been just over a week since my little world was turned upside down and it feels like it was yesterday, like it didn't happen and as if it happened a year ago. such a strange place i am living... this land of semi answered questions, alcohol swabs, tubes, bags, pain and left side sleeping.
i don't have cancer.
i'm not dying.
i'm not losing a limb or an organ.
i'm not the victim of a terrible car accident or house fire.
my husband is falling asleep next to me breathing in and out and on the verge of wonderful dreams.
my little boy is cooing in his crib down the hallway furiously snuggling his orange dinosaur and fighting to stay awake.
my babe inside is showing signs of life with precious kicks and wiggles.
tomorrow i "have to" go to the bank and make a deposit.
i also "have to" start some Christmas shopping after said deposit.
in the afternoon i will finish a couple crafty projects, hang my wreath on the door and enjoy a cup of tea while my little boy takes a nap.
so, what? what could be so big of deal that my little world would be upside down and i'm living in a land of medical supplies and physical differences?
on friday december 6th at 5am i woke up in more pain than i have experienced in my life (yes, worse than pushing out a 7lb 6oz baby) at 11:00pm of the same day i finally had an answer to that pain: a kidney stone and a kidney on the verge of infection. because of being 32 and a half weeks pregnant there is little you can do for a kidney stone, however because my right kidney was not draining, something had to be done to release it and stop the possible infection. at 32 and a half weeks pregnant my uterus was approximately the size of a honey due melon and was putting immense pressure on my right ureter, therefore causing both the blockage and a failed attempt at inserting a stent to release that pressure. option number 2 was an invasive procedure through my back to "install" a Nephrostomy Tube . while none of these are life threatening procedures or seem like a "big deal"... they still rocked my little world. first of all i was on "vacation" in my most favorite of places and had not planned to spend nearly half my time there "out of commission" and in the hospital. secondly, i'm pregnant (insert extra emotions, hormones, tears, fears etc.). thirdly, i have an eleven month old little boy who is loads of fun and not in the least "high maintenance", but i'm his ma-ma, it's my love and my job to be there for him and take care of him. all of these things combined with normal life? it put me over the edge.
please hear my heart when i say i am not the victim here. i don't see myself as such nor do i want to portray any such character. i am however walking through a most unexpected season and process that has me feeling a bit shaky.
people keep asking me "how are you doing?" "you look better?" "you must be doing better!"
and the reality is, Yes! i am "feeling better". thankfully i have great Dr's who have sifted through the symptoms and signs and prescribed the right combo of medication to manage the complications of this "kidney situation" (i don't really have a good term for it). i'm back home in Minnesota and i'm going to sleep and waking up in my own bed (hospital beds are less than ideal for sleeping or snuggles). last night i gave my little boy a bath. this morning i did my hair and makeup and went to a Vikings game with my husband and some dear friends. and all of this makes things seems as though they are back to normal.
and yet, every time i stand up, sit down, bend over, go to the bathroom, take a shower, pick up my little boy, embrace my husband, try to sit/lay comfortably i am reminding that i have a tube coming out of my back and draining my kidney into a bag that is hanging at my side. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. this is a big deal. it's scary. i can't leave the house for more than 3 hours without latex gloves and alcohol swabs because my bag might get full and i'll have to empty it. there aren't a lot of things i can wear in -20* weather that keep me warm and hide a Nephrostomy tube & bag. this is embarrassing (it's draining my kidney people, think about what's in your kidney).
and to be honest, when people comment on a picture of me and my husband at the Vikings game about how happy i look or how i must be feeling i want to scream! i'm glad i look happy, because i am; i'm happy to have had a day-date with the man i love, i'm happy the Vikings won (miracles people, small miracles) and i'm also happy that nothing worse is happening in my body. i'm so thankful the contractions these procedures caused did NOT cause pre-term labor; however, i am not "over the hill" or "recovered" or "back to normal"... i don't even know when i will see a Urologist, much less have this tube removed! it could be next week, it could be in 7 weeks!
i am having a hard time trying to convey the truth that i am both "doing good" and "not so much" at the same time.
my dear husband said it like this, "you are doing good. you are learning to live with certain limitations that you didn't have a week ago. you are doing good, you are just learning to lean on those around you a bit more than your independent self would like to. you are doing good, but you are also very vulnerable right now and not everyone is going to see the depth of what you've walked through or the reasons this is affecting you so deeply. you are doing good."
and he is right. i am doing good. it's just a process, and processes are not always pretty, painless or easy, but they almost always, if we let them, produce something in us that wasn't there before.
and that's what i'm believing for.
so don't stop asking how i'm doing, or even feel bad for assuming i'm "all better". it's a process and i'm trying to live in this strange land well; please understand that i might burst into tears at any moment and i might be as right as rain in Seattle, but i can't tell you which and i can't promise you either. this is my life right now and i have limits.
i don't have cancer.
i'm not dying.
i'm not losing a limb or an organ.
i'm not the victim of a terrible car accident or house fire.
my husband is falling asleep next to me breathing in and out and on the verge of wonderful dreams.
my little boy is cooing in his crib down the hallway furiously snuggling his orange dinosaur and fighting to stay awake.
my babe inside is showing signs of life with precious kicks and wiggles.
tomorrow i "have to" go to the bank and make a deposit.
i also "have to" start some Christmas shopping after said deposit.
in the afternoon i will finish a couple crafty projects, hang my wreath on the door and enjoy a cup of tea while my little boy takes a nap.
so, what? what could be so big of deal that my little world would be upside down and i'm living in a land of medical supplies and physical differences?
please hear my heart when i say i am not the victim here. i don't see myself as such nor do i want to portray any such character. i am however walking through a most unexpected season and process that has me feeling a bit shaky.
people keep asking me "how are you doing?" "you look better?" "you must be doing better!"
and the reality is, Yes! i am "feeling better". thankfully i have great Dr's who have sifted through the symptoms and signs and prescribed the right combo of medication to manage the complications of this "kidney situation" (i don't really have a good term for it). i'm back home in Minnesota and i'm going to sleep and waking up in my own bed (hospital beds are less than ideal for sleeping or snuggles). last night i gave my little boy a bath. this morning i did my hair and makeup and went to a Vikings game with my husband and some dear friends. and all of this makes things seems as though they are back to normal.
and yet, every time i stand up, sit down, bend over, go to the bathroom, take a shower, pick up my little boy, embrace my husband, try to sit/lay comfortably i am reminding that i have a tube coming out of my back and draining my kidney into a bag that is hanging at my side. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. this is a big deal. it's scary. i can't leave the house for more than 3 hours without latex gloves and alcohol swabs because my bag might get full and i'll have to empty it. there aren't a lot of things i can wear in -20* weather that keep me warm and hide a Nephrostomy tube & bag. this is embarrassing (it's draining my kidney people, think about what's in your kidney).
and to be honest, when people comment on a picture of me and my husband at the Vikings game about how happy i look or how i must be feeling i want to scream! i'm glad i look happy, because i am; i'm happy to have had a day-date with the man i love, i'm happy the Vikings won (miracles people, small miracles) and i'm also happy that nothing worse is happening in my body. i'm so thankful the contractions these procedures caused did NOT cause pre-term labor; however, i am not "over the hill" or "recovered" or "back to normal"... i don't even know when i will see a Urologist, much less have this tube removed! it could be next week, it could be in 7 weeks!
i am having a hard time trying to convey the truth that i am both "doing good" and "not so much" at the same time.
my dear husband said it like this, "you are doing good. you are learning to live with certain limitations that you didn't have a week ago. you are doing good, you are just learning to lean on those around you a bit more than your independent self would like to. you are doing good, but you are also very vulnerable right now and not everyone is going to see the depth of what you've walked through or the reasons this is affecting you so deeply. you are doing good."
and he is right. i am doing good. it's just a process, and processes are not always pretty, painless or easy, but they almost always, if we let them, produce something in us that wasn't there before.
and that's what i'm believing for.
so don't stop asking how i'm doing, or even feel bad for assuming i'm "all better". it's a process and i'm trying to live in this strange land well; please understand that i might burst into tears at any moment and i might be as right as rain in Seattle, but i can't tell you which and i can't promise you either. this is my life right now and i have limits.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4
Cassie - don't know you personally but I really have enjoyed your messages on youtube. sending you strength and healing.
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