motivation.
its been a subject that has been swirling around our house for the last couple weeks like a leaf tossed in wind waiting for the perfect place to land. it has come up over dinner, after watching an inspiring photography live feed and then again last night in the last moments before sweet sleep there it was again. motivation.
i have been wrestling with a few things for a while now, i can't say exactly how long, but i'm sure it's not as long as it feels. the wrestling has been something i would rather not face and therefore i find ways to ignore it or push it to the far reaches of my mind. it's not evil thought patterns or complicated logic, it's not what to buy my dear husband for Christmas although i do wrestle with that quite a bit, it's not how i am going to be an amazing mother to my boys. it's a couple gifts that i've been trying not to unwrap or even notice have arrived for me. how silly is that? who doesn't want to unwrap a gift and discover the thoughts behind the giver? who walks past the magical cardboard box that the UPS man delivered months ago, hoping it would go away?
me. i've been living that way for a while now. the most unusual part? "gifts" is my #1 love language. not only do i take much joy in giving the perfect gift and wrapping it just so, and making sure the correct meaning for the occasion is conveyed in each gift, but if someone gives me a gift my heart could burst. it doesn't even have to be more than a surprise Starbucks delivery in the morning and i am soaring for days. now, give me something that i've "pinned" on my "want it" board or discover a secret desire of my heart and surprise me with it? oh man, you might as well plan my funeral and save the gift for the living because really, my heart will burst. so needless to say it's been an odd season fighting these 3 gifts.
back to motivation. if we all think about it our actions are largely tied to our motivation. i clean my house daily because i can't handle "clutter" and feeling like it will get out of control. i change my sheets because i love the smell of clean sheets. i kiss my husband because i want him (and all who catch a glimpse) to know that i love him with all my heart. i preach because i want to see the lost saved, the dead rise and the oppressed set free. these are all reasonable motivations to do things, however my motivation for the wrestling and the ignoring of the gifts is not. it is fear. i'm motivated by fear and therefore i ignore, hide, push and wrestle because i know that if i open the gifts something will happen. and i'm not sure exactly what. and that is scary to me. scary and unknown and possibly unsafe.
how do i know? well, the strange thing is that i have opened all 3 gifts before. enjoyed them, loved them, used them well, lived in joy with them and then because of fear i packed them up and put them back in the box and wrote "return to sender". completely because of fear.
fear of becoming someone i'm not.
fear of failing.
fear of succeeding.
fear of being known.
fear of being noticed.
and for me those were big enough motivators to put RTS on the box with a red marker and hope they would go away. but for a few years and many changing of the leaves they are still there. the sender doesn't seem to have a very good return policy. He seems to think i need them for life and joy and hope. and somehow in the midst of these conversations about motivation it's as if He's sending me a message and saying;
its been a subject that has been swirling around our house for the last couple weeks like a leaf tossed in wind waiting for the perfect place to land. it has come up over dinner, after watching an inspiring photography live feed and then again last night in the last moments before sweet sleep there it was again. motivation.
i have been wrestling with a few things for a while now, i can't say exactly how long, but i'm sure it's not as long as it feels. the wrestling has been something i would rather not face and therefore i find ways to ignore it or push it to the far reaches of my mind. it's not evil thought patterns or complicated logic, it's not what to buy my dear husband for Christmas although i do wrestle with that quite a bit, it's not how i am going to be an amazing mother to my boys. it's a couple gifts that i've been trying not to unwrap or even notice have arrived for me. how silly is that? who doesn't want to unwrap a gift and discover the thoughts behind the giver? who walks past the magical cardboard box that the UPS man delivered months ago, hoping it would go away?
me. i've been living that way for a while now. the most unusual part? "gifts" is my #1 love language. not only do i take much joy in giving the perfect gift and wrapping it just so, and making sure the correct meaning for the occasion is conveyed in each gift, but if someone gives me a gift my heart could burst. it doesn't even have to be more than a surprise Starbucks delivery in the morning and i am soaring for days. now, give me something that i've "pinned" on my "want it" board or discover a secret desire of my heart and surprise me with it? oh man, you might as well plan my funeral and save the gift for the living because really, my heart will burst. so needless to say it's been an odd season fighting these 3 gifts.
back to motivation. if we all think about it our actions are largely tied to our motivation. i clean my house daily because i can't handle "clutter" and feeling like it will get out of control. i change my sheets because i love the smell of clean sheets. i kiss my husband because i want him (and all who catch a glimpse) to know that i love him with all my heart. i preach because i want to see the lost saved, the dead rise and the oppressed set free. these are all reasonable motivations to do things, however my motivation for the wrestling and the ignoring of the gifts is not. it is fear. i'm motivated by fear and therefore i ignore, hide, push and wrestle because i know that if i open the gifts something will happen. and i'm not sure exactly what. and that is scary to me. scary and unknown and possibly unsafe.
how do i know? well, the strange thing is that i have opened all 3 gifts before. enjoyed them, loved them, used them well, lived in joy with them and then because of fear i packed them up and put them back in the box and wrote "return to sender". completely because of fear.
fear of becoming someone i'm not.
fear of failing.
fear of succeeding.
fear of being known.
fear of being noticed.
and for me those were big enough motivators to put RTS on the box with a red marker and hope they would go away. but for a few years and many changing of the leaves they are still there. the sender doesn't seem to have a very good return policy. He seems to think i need them for life and joy and hope. and somehow in the midst of these conversations about motivation it's as if He's sending me a message and saying;
"do not be afraid. I picked these gifts out for you. I picked them to bring you joy, and others joy through your use of them. I picked them because I love you and I wanted you to know it, so I gave you a gift, and not only 1 but 4!!! they fit together and can be used separately. they aren't all that "unique" in the grand scheme of things, but because of how you use them they are...and that's why I've given them to you. do not be afraid anymore. just start unwrapping them again. one at a time and see what will happen. see what magic and brilliance will happen. do not be afraid."
so here i sit with my tea in hand, my favorite 'Pandora' station playing and the sun getting ready to cast golden tones on my front windows, trying to be brave and fighting fear with every stroke of the key. trying to muster up the courage i once knew to open the gifts and see what this next season could be. i know it's full of unknowns and i know it's probably not safe, but someone once said that safe is where the brave die before they have won a battle... or something like that.
and i would very much like to win this battle against my deepest fears.
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